The Power of Positive Time Out...A Revisit

This post was published in August, 2007 - I'm 're-posting' it since I've been getting some inquiries on how to use Positive Time Outs - enjoy!

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In my last post, I outlined why traditional time-outs DON'T work....but, what's the alternative?

Positive Time Out! (but, don't call it 'time-out' since that has a punishment connotation).

Here's how it works - three simple steps:

Step 1: Design the space

The parent and/or teacher talk to the student about what types of things help the child calm him or herself down whe he or she is upset. It could be anything - music, papers and pencils/markers for writing or drawing, a fish tank, soft lighting, a window, etc. It's VERY important that the child is involved (and, by the way, this works for ALL ages) in creating a space that will help him or her calm down and get to a state of being where he or she can talk calmly about a problem/situation.

Step 2: Create and name the space

Go shopping/hunting for the things that will make the designed space a reality. Make this a joint project - involve the child in picking out details like lamps, colors, pillows, chairs. This is THEIR space, not yours (although, I do recommend that parents create a similar space in their home, and teachers can use the classroom space). Come up with a name for the space - remember, do NOT call it "Time-Out" since that's the old model that I want you to throw away - brainstorm with the child the name of the new space. Some ideas include, "Hawaii" (with a corresponding decorative theme), "The Mountain" (again, with items that reflect that), "The Peace Corner," "Sally's Space," etc. Make the name POSITIVE and make sure it's the child's name for the space, and not yours.

Step 3: Use the space

When you're in conflict with a child, the WORST time to try to work it out is when one or both of you are under stress. Instead, model and teach the importance of taking a cooling off period before you talk about a situation. Adults make the mistake of thinking that we have to 'solve' a problem immediately - it's much better to make sure that everyone is in an emotional place where he or she can talk and discuss things calmly. So....next time there's a conflict/confrontation or situation that might call for the Positive Time Out, simply state, "Would it help to go to.....(insert the name of the space here)?" If the child refuses, say, "Ok, well, I think I need to....would you like to come with?" If the child still says no, say, "Ok, I understand...I need to cool off a little, though - I love you and will check back in with you when I feel better....."

(Step 4: Follow-up)

Now, don't think that the child is 'getting away with it' by instituting this cooling off period. You must follow-up with the child, when needed - just make sure you're both calm. Then, have a talk with him or her - the key word is WITH...not AT. Avoid lecturing and scolding - instead, ask the child for your help in solving the problem, and ask questions that lead to THEM thinking about how to solve the problem. For example, "What happened?," "How can we fix this?," "What do you think would work?," or "How can we avoid this in the future?" Remember, you're not giving up your authority/power - you're opening lines of dialogue that will strengthen your connection and teach important life and social skills.

Isn't that nicer than shaming/blaming and putting your child in the 'naughty' corner? You're teaching the importance of calming down, how to solve problems together, and how to model mutual respect. "I respect you AND I respect myself...."

Let me know how it goes - thanks for reading!

Alisa