Am I praising my child too much?

I recently received an email from a podcast listener in Maryland. Lisa M writes:

"I love your podcasts! My 6 yo son is demonstrating approval seeking! I guess we have been praising too much vs. encouraging. Can you please let me know what types of things we can do to correct this?"

Thanks so much for your note – I love hearing from my listeners! Can I ask how you heard about the radio/podcast program? Also, with your permission, I’d like to include your question during my next program, and on my blog – your’s is a common problem that I think a lot of parents and teachers can benefit from. Let me know.

I often say that praise statements (and rewards, for that matter), are like candy…a little here and there ‘does no harm.’ But, if it’s the mainstay of a child’s (or adult’s) diet, it can do great harm. Sprinkling a little praise and approval statements occasionally can be satisfying and fun, all around. But, if the only positive statements that a child hears from an adult is praise/approval, we see the approval addiction start to form….a child will only do something if he or she thinks a reward is coming – either by means of a material object, or by means of an approval statement. On the other hand, a life with no treats (candy, rewards, praise statements), is pretty gloom, indeed – I guess it comes down to finding a healthy balance so that treats are ok, but the primary diet of approval is self-approval vs. looking for approval outside of yourself. You obviously want your child to develop this important trait….

Many times, as caring adults, we tend to indulge our children to make sure that they know we love and value them. Sometimes we do this by encouraging (cheering on) or praising (giving approval). What we find, though, is that if we praise too much, we turn children into approval junkies – and those children grow into teens that are approval junkies – and those teens grow into adults who are approval junkies. What we want to, instead, do is create an environment where children feel loved and valued without having to rely on our approval – that, rather, it comes from inside. They know they’re valuable – not because we tell them, but because they know…so, we need to help them develop self-reflection…

Self-reflection, for most children and adults, does not come naturally – it is something that is modeled, and taught directly. Here are some examples of statements that are on the encouraging side of the spectrum:

“You got an ‘A!’ That’s a reflection of your hard work”
“You have every reason to be proud of yourself”
“That’s a great accomplishment – how did you do it?”

Compare those statements to their ‘praisy’ counterparts:

“You got an ‘A!’ Here’s a dollar.”
“I’m so proud of you – that really makes me happy.”
“You did it just like I told you! Great job!”

Do you feel the difference? See how the first set of statements focuses on what the child is feeling about how he/she did, and how it also give the child room and practice to reflect on how THEY think they did? The second set of statements has the child relying on the adult to provide approval and judgment – that does not allow the child to learn how to self-reflect…

If you haven’t already done so, listen to the podcast from May 5 where I specifically talk about ‘praise’ vs. ‘encouragement.’

I hope that helps! Feel free to contact me if you need anything else, and do let me know how things go!

Regards,

Alisa